If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
