Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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