nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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