I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
