How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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