WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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