Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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