my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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