I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
