I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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