Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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