I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
