Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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