When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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