But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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