we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
