Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
