He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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