my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was confusing and full of hummus
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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