Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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