Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
