how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
