i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
