I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
