My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
