How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
