Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize