Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
