Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
