it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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