Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
