i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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