I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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