I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
