You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
