You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
