It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
