I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
