We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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