i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize