that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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