Yo dont text me then not text me
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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