it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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