I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I cut my penus on the lid.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
