I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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