the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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