dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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