so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
