do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
