I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
