I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
