My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
