I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
