She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
