just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
