my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
