I CAN MOONWALK!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
